Who’s Ready To Play. . .

. . .every one’s favorite new game show?  Who Can Make New Dad Feel More Awkward??!!

“Contestant #1, tell us about yourself and how you plan to make New Dad feel incredibly awkward”

“Hi everybody, my name is Dr. ****, Reagan’s new pediatrician, and I am here visiting the baby in the hospital for her first check ups.  I plan on making New Dad feel really awkward by talking to him for way too long about how to make sure you have properly cleaned Reagan’s lady business when changing her diapers.  I’ll also make sure to demonstrate everything I am talking about right in front of Dad”

Ok seriously. . . I’m an adult, somewhat mature and a new dad.  I shouldn’t be weirded out by things like this right?  Well, I am damn it!  Just like during the Big Ultrasound and the tech started talking about my daughter’s labia. . .ewww!!  Again, I’d like to restate that despite all medical evidence to the contrary my little girl does not have lady parts.  Also, she will not date until she is 30.  No debate!

“Contestant #2, tell us about yourselves and how you plan to make Dad feel incredibly awkward”

“Hi, we’re New Dad’s wife’s lactation specialists (one of which just happens to be her aunt).  We all plan on making New Dad feel awkward by teaching New Mom how to breast feed in front of him.  In order to do that we’ll have to pinch nipples, grab boobs and so on. . .”

Again, this is natural right?  I shouldn’t be weirded out by this right?  Well, it’s kind of hard not to be when some lady is squeezing your wife’s nipple to get milk out of it or make it “come out more” for baby.  I mean on paper this is supposed to be a good, nay, an awesome thing right?  But it’s not. . .So I’m sitting there thinking “Ok am I staring?  Should I be staring?  Should I be looking away?  If I look away I’m acting like some thing’s wrong, and there isn’t . . .but if I stare is this lady going to think I’m some sort of freak?”  Damn, I feel awkward. . .

“And the winner is. . .Contestant #2!!!!”

You know it was close, but with Contestant #1 I could at least go numb and just nod while the Dr. talked and just pray that it end soon.  With Contestant #2 I didn’t know what to do with myself.  Do I watch and try to be the interested dad?  Is that weird?  Do I look away and have the lady think I’m immature?  I’m still at odds with the whole thing.

I will also be posting this post at Dad-Blogs.com, an awesome social network for dads and dad bloggers as part of Fatherhood Fridays.  Check it out and show these guys some love!



23 Responses to “Who’s Ready To Play. . .”
  1. It's Daddies. Plural. says:

    My vote would have been contestant #1

    If I had to hear one more time, “Front to back, in between the folds” one more time in the hospital I would have puked.

  2. Adam says:

    Yeah dude, hearing her use the word “Folds” was bad. It sceeved me out so much I didn’t even want to write it in the post!

  3. WeaselMomma says:

    This never goes away. When the Mr. is helping with laundry and comes across bras or underwear he knows aren’t mine, he does the math and figures out that they belong to our oldest girl, he still freaks. It’s been years.

  4. Adam says:

    Oh my good god! I didn’t even think about that! Good thing I never do laundry . . .

    Wait does that mean there will be twice the amount of bras hanging up in my laundry room?

  5. *Isabella* says:


    Ah, the breastfeeding thing. My husband was instructed on how he could help out in the process. I’ll let him tell that story.

    (Happy Fatherhood Friday!)

  6. Joe says:

    Some lady grabbing your wife’s boobs is definitely weird. The lactation ladies never did that with my wife-I am with you bro, very strange.

  7. BellaDaddy says:

    WHOA! A new Dad! Congrats to all three of you….exciting changes in your future…;-)

    I remember the daze well…even at 2.5, it seems she was born just yesterday! You will NEVER forget…trust me

    Best Wishes to you and your New Family!


  8. Otter Thomas says:

    I am so glad I didn’t have a girl. I will go ahead and say it I am not mature enough for any of that.

  9. ShankRabbit says:

    Coming from a Dad who was the youngest of 3 boys and never babysat a girl before, I feel for you.

    The whole time I was thinking, “so… wait… I have to wipe where? but… that’s her… I can’t do… WIPE WHAT? Oh god, don’t say that word!”

    I’d have to go with Contestant #1.

  10. PJ Mullen says:

    HA! You got off easy with the lactation specialist. I had to sit through it and participate. Support the baby here, move the baby this way, tickle him if he isn’t suckling. Much more involved in the process than I thought I’d be other than handing him to my wife and watching SportCenter.

  11. Adam says:

    Yeah, I am on foot tickling duty if the little one falls asleep, or in worse case scenarios the administrator of wet wash clothes. But for the most part I am the “Get me the. . .” bitch of the house.

    Oh well. I figure it’s all a down payment for when I can say “Hey sweetie, would you go grab daddy a beer?”

  12. ciara says:

    stop being so wimpy, guys! what are you gonna do when ya have to have ‘the talk’? or when you have to buy feminine products cos your daughter has hit puberty and started her monthly? training bra shopping, too. oh the joys that you have to look forward to

    my dad wasn’t around much when i was younger cos he was in navy and always overseas, but he never was wimpy when it came to getting my feminine needs. he was also the one who took me bra shopping, too…o.k., maybe my mom was there. can’t remember…just remember my dad taking me lol

  13. Kevin Grossman says:

    Wow, I got to skip out on being contestant #2. Growing up with Mom and sister and then all the other women in my life, the sea of estrogen has washed away my baby girl labia fear. Hang in there.

  14. Adam says:

    Let’s get something straight Ciara. . .I’m a man! I will step up to the plate if I need to fetch tapons, or have that ultimate of awkward moments where we have to discuss sex. But that does mean that I can’t have convulsions of anxiety, fear and disgust inside!

  15. Craig says:

    Hang in there. A few month ago I had “the talk” with my oldest son. I will never forget the look on his face as I described how a daddy puts his you know into the mommy. It only get better…

  16. John Wildermuth says:

    Thanks for visiting my blog Adam and congrats on being a new Dad! My girls are 9 and 12 now and I remember that time in the hospital but so much has happened since then that it doesn’t seem like it was a big deal. At the time, I know it was. All I can tell you is having daughters is amazing. As their Dad, you will rock! My tweens are starting to have struggles with mom, but I am the apple of their eyes. Can’t wait to read more of your adventures!

  17. pete says:

    The incredibly clinical approach to that kind of stuff just seems so strange.

  18. Jared says:

    Makes me glad I have a boy.

    As far as the breast feeding thing goes, my wife didn’t do it, but I know others that have. I always feel uncomfortable when they do it in front of me.

    There is nothing like walking in a room and seeing the boob of someone that you know. In any other circumstance you know there would be screams and parts being quickly covered up.

    Breastfeeding is a wonderful thing and I applause anyone that does it, but I don’t think I will ever feel 100% comfortable in a room with someone breast feeding.

  19. Adam says:

    I guess I’m getting immune to it. My wife sits on the couch and pumps while we watch tv. I still chuckle because the pump sounds like a little Japanese girl giggling. . .

  20. Adam says:

    Thanks John. I hope my little girl likes me as much as yours do when she is their age!

  21. Super Mega Dad says:

    I hear ya, man! That girl cleaning thing was an icky talk, indeed.

    However, the whole showing the wife how to breastfeed thing was kinda cool!

  22. 'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why says:

    Contestant #2 also won in our case, but it wasn’t New Dad in the room, it was New Mom’s Dad (aaawkward…)
    Just wait til you meet contestant #3: the old biddy in the grocery store who looks at you like a perv for taking your baby girl shopping. If she gets past the dirty look, she will also tell you how your child is hungry/tired/thirsty/overfed/underfed/overdressed/underdressed or whatever her particular field of expertise was 40 years ago.

  23. Adam says:

    I have heard rumors of strangers who feel the need to give you parenting advice. I think that might be where I “earmuff” the kid and let them know just how great I think their advice is

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