Future Blackmail

Ever since my daughter has been home, she has been really easy to deal with.  She sleeps a ton, makes funny sounds and makes the cutest faces the 2 hours a day she’s awake.  She’ll grab my finger with her hand or hold on to my sweat shirt’s strings.  I could seriously watch her for hours.

But I know all of this is temporary.  I know one day she will be an angry, moody tween whose ability to cry and throw a fit will only be matched by her mastery of slamming doors.  I know one day she will be snotty and think her mom and dad are so uncool, mean and have no idea what it’s like to be young.

It’s for those days that I am gathering my ammunition.  I am preparing for an armageddon of embarrassment that I can heap upon her if she ever gets out of line.

We were given a gift when bringing her home.  I busted out my awesome new HD Sony camcorder to caputre the first time my daughter came through the doorway.  As my wife held her in our living room and said “Here’s your home Reagan” my little girl pooped so loud the camera caught it.

But nothing compares to what would happen later. . .

My wife was laying on the couch and Reagan needed to be changed.  I took her to the Pack n Play’s changing table and began the process of getting a fresh diaper on her.  I was talking to my wife about something and then it happened. . .

My daughter pointed her ass cannon right at me and sprayed me with POOP!  I was a good 18 inches away and still got a nasty spattering!  I had no idea a kid could deficate with that kind of force!

My wife started laughing so hard her C-section incision hurt!  Seeing her laugh I couldn’t even be angry and started laughing too.  I laughed so hard my eyes teared up.  Just when I could see again I looked down only to see my little girl PEEING on the table!

“Oh no!  Reagan, stop peeing!”  My wife lost it again.

So here’s my little girl, laying in a puddle of her own waste, poop on the changing table, poop on the carpet, poop on me, and my wife laughing like a hyena.  To top it all off Reagan closed her eyes and started napping!

Forever will the story be told about how my daughter pooped on Dad.  Just like I am (to this day) regailed with tales how I peed all over my grandma as a baby, my daughter will be reminded of this.  And if for some reason this gem gets lost in the all of the stories her childhood it is forever available to the world via the wonderful medium of the internet.

God bless technology!

So sweet. . .most of the time. . .

This is my contribution to Fatherhood Fridays at Dad-Blogs.  Go check them out!

26 Responses to “Future Blackmail”

  1. Itsdaddies. plural. on March 6th, 2009 at 4:28 pm

    I laughed out loud… not only because it’s funny as sh*t [no pun intended], but this too has happed to us. On many occasions. Check out this posting. Scroll to the bottom for the pics:

    http://itsdaddiesplural.blogspot.com/2009/02/ends-justify-means.html

  2. Is she is sweet. I am glad that you have this tucked away for future usage.

  3. Her first date will be a great time to pull out this footage.

  4. Haha @ ass cannon. When my kids are born, i’m wearing an apron 24/7.

  5. Tyler @ Building Camelot on March 6th, 2009 at 4:54 pm

    Classic rookie mistake Isn’t pooping on mom and dad the ultimate expression of love? You could look at it that way and it might help take some of the sting out of the situation.

    And I don’t want to hear about the sleeping - our 7 month old used to sleep like a champ, now she won’t sleep for more than 4 hours straight. That makes mommy and daddy very cranky!

  6. You made my morning. What a great story. I hope you end up with a son as well, at some point. We have many stories of our little guy using his uncontrollable fire hose to spray people when changing his diapers.
    -Al

  7. I actually think this would be considered more brownmail than blackmail (cue the rimshot).

  8. The one thing every living being does, and none of us want it on us…near us…or worse set, in your eyes! (yup, you guessed it) EWWWW. But, at the same time, we all relate

    And, like you, I will so look forward to reminding my daughter later in life as well…no way will she ever forget.

  9. Oh hell yes. I actually don’t think you’re allowed to call yourself a parent until your kid has shit and pissed all over you. As for me, I continually forgot to point that bad boy DOWN when I was changing him. As a result he not only has peed on me but he’s hit the dog, the cat, the window, the shades, the wall, his diaper bin and one time (when he had a little baby boner and it was sticking straight up) he peed on his own face and chest.

    Ain’t fatherhood grand?

  10. Great idea. I will have to start capturing more stuff on the video camera although my mere presense will probably cause more than enough embarrassment.

  11. Love reading your blog, lol. This really had me laughing out loud as it reminded me of my son and when he peed on his own face and I happened to catch a pic of it

    http://farm1.static.flickr.com/80/261941626_abe6c0a440.jpg

  12. Great post! It didn’t take long for me to learn to cover with the clean diaper while performing that diaper change. My brother in law however, deciding that he was man enough to change a diaper, got a total face full of pee. I don’t know what was funnier, him getting peed on or him just standing there tryin to make it stop because he had absolutely no clue. I love these stories lol.

  13. John Wildermuth on March 6th, 2009 at 7:55 pm

    I seriously laughed out loud at this one! You have a great comedic perspective on parenting. Loved the post last week too about the birthing class. I have tween daughters and it hadn’t even occurred to me to dig out the old videos. In the end though, I am trying to understand what they are going through and relate to them so I have good relationships on into high school and beyond. Thanks for making me laugh. Can’t wait to keep reading your blog!

  14. Justin M. Howe on March 6th, 2009 at 11:28 pm

    I too, laughed out loud at this one. Since I’m at work, I had to share it with a co-worker too!

    Alas, I’ve been extremely lucky with my baby, two years down and I don’t have a poop blackmail story. Apparently, at about that age, I took off a poopy diaper and slapped it on my dad’s bare back as he slept. Or so I’m told. So there, when you use this against Reagan, she’ll see that she’s not alone…

    Thamks for the laugh!

    -justin

  15. she is so cute. Your pist was too funny. I almost pist.

  16. HAHAHAHA!

    I’m laughing because I can relate. And I think “ass cannon” is the best way to describe it.

  17. Justin M. Howe on March 7th, 2009 at 5:54 am

    Um, that should read, ‘Thanks for the laugh!’ And I got home from work to find out that my two year old was having so much fun tooting in the tub that she squeezed on off right there. Ladies and gentlemen, the power of suggestion!

  18. Too funny! I once had a near-miss with an infant “poop cannon.” I had no idea that baby poop could be an olympic long jumper. I also agree that many of us have embarassing tales that the mere mention of can make us “stand up straight and be quiet.” For me, it was falling fully-clothed into a very cold lake during a kindergarten field trip, mostly because I didn’t listen to my mom’s instructions.

  19. hehe i remember those days well. my son got me w his ass cannon once. he never got me w the pee, but he sure sprayed a lot lol my girls didn’t do that to me, i don’t think. maybe they did to my ex. i now am dealing w two tween girls and sometimes think the poop cannon is much easier if not gross lol

  20. Oh, holy crap!! Dude, it happens…shit that is, and especially from the little ones. Glad you have it down in written form for later blackmail purposes though. LOL!

  21. Ha ha, I did the same thing as a kid. I yelled out “Oh sh*t!!” and my mom was so shocked she just busted up laughing.
    Thanks for the comment!

  22. Thanks John!

  23. I have since learned my lesson and try to always have her covered with a clean one. Not quite perfected it yet. . .

  24. Ha ha! My wife and I think that’s hysterical!

    Thanks for the comment and stopping by!

  25. Oh dude! That is rough!

  26. Super Mega Dad on March 9th, 2009 at 10:52 pm

    My son did this to me as well. It was 2AM and he was crying, so I went in to change him and he not only covered me, but a couple of the walls, the floor, the door, the changing table and anything else that was within 10 feet. My wife says she’s never heard me yell for help that loud before.

    With my daughter, I learned my lesson and kept her covered at all times, but ONE time at the doctor’s office, my son (then 4) was right in the line of fire as the diaper was taken off and he got just PLASTERED with sissy poop. I guess payback is a bitch.

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