You’re Not Pregnant

Not every month, but close, my wife thinks she is pregnant.  She might not even be late but she sees signs of an imminent infant everywhere.  Usually, we go through about a week of her telling me she thinks it's real this time, I calm her down, she takes a pregnancy test and it's all over.  I think her brain releases some sort of chemical that tells her womanly parts its OK to have her period, only after we have spent $$ on pregnancy tests.  Many a dollar and nervous ten minutes have been spent on this issue.

June came around and the same old song and dance got going.  "Just like last month, you're not pregnant," I assured her.  She swore this time it was real.  I've heard it all before, so no worries.  Curious about her hypothesis I found a list of Pregnancy Symptoms:

  1. Swollen/Tender Breasts: Check.  Her number one complaint
  2. Fatigue/Tiredness: Check.  Usually I'm the one pushing for laying on the couch all day.
  3. Nausea/Morning Sickness:  Check.
  4. Backaches: Check.  But she usually has these.
  5. Headaches: Check.
  6. Frequent Urination: Check.
  7. Food Cravings: Check.  We made a dozen trips to Dairy Queen in a week.
  8. Implantation Bleeding: No
  9. Delay/Difference in Menstruation: No
  10. Darkening of Areolas: No

"OK I think I believe you" I IM'ed her.  7 out of 10 was enough to make me a believer, but the thing about this site is that it gives "other explanations" for every symptom.  I could see an alternate explanation working for 1 or two symptoms, but 7?  No way.  There's only one way to tell. . . 

Test #1: Negative.  I had been thinking non-stop about what it would be like to have a little one.  When it came back negative, I have to admit I was a bit bummed.  I had gotten used to the idea of me being a dad.

Test #2: Negative.  It's been a week since the first test.  OK, this isn't happening. Two tests is enough to convince me.  I chalked it all up to her "pregnancy hypochondria" and was amazed she was able to convince me too!

The human mind has an unlimited ability to come up with theories and then seek out evidence to support them.  Even a doubter such as myself is not immune to being caught up in a frenzy of speculation.  I guess you just have to chalk it up to a learning experience and move on. . .

“Not Not Trying”

My wife likes to keep me updated in all the gossip of her friends, despite the fact that I don't know 80% of these people.  But like any good husband I smile and nod and take it all in as much as I can.  One time she was talking about a married couple she knows and their plans to have kids.  "They are not not trying," she said.  What the hell does that mean??!!  Apparently, this is the fairer sex's slang for people who are not actively trying but don't mind if they have a kid right now.  Despite the grammatical double negative that bothers me as a writer, I had issues with the statement.  To me, "not not trying" is trying.  Those two negatives cancel each other out.

Is this some sort of ploy you use so just in case you don't get pregnant easily your friends and family won't be asking every time they see you?  If you tell them "we're trying" and it doesn't happen you're going to be the source of talk and concern in your circle.  So is this a way to hedge your bets?  If you get pregnant then great, if not it's ok because you weren't trying, right?  I denounced the term and criticized people who used it.

And of course; it's exactly what we ended up doing.  We talked about it and removed the female road block to conception and let the luck of the draw decide the rest.  We weren't actively "not trying", so it's not like a baby would be an Ooopppsss! type of thing.  We also weren't getting ovulation kits and measuring her temperature before sex (which by the way sounds incredibly sexy) so we wouldn't be bummed if it didn't happen.  I remember thinking, "I am just getting to the point where I feel as though I could handle being a dad, so if it happens cool, if not there is plenty of time."

So I hope the universe allows me this opportunity to take my foot out of mouth and appologize to all those people that I condemmed as double-talkers for not taking a firm "trying" or "not trying" stance.  Like many issues in life, its not black or white, only shades of grey.  We had humbly joined the masses of the ambiguously attempting couples; we were "not not trying".