Awesome Side Effect

Although I deviate from the norm sometimes, for the most part I am an average American guy.  Like a lot of my fellow Americans I often adhere to the mantra that is “The bigger the better”.  Give me a big ass gas guzzling truck that uses more fuel in a day than 20 tree huggers can save taking mass transit.  I’ll take the 20 oz. porterhouse that could feed an entire African village. No room for my oversized fully loaded baked potato?  Put it on it’s own plate.  I want to go to a 100 theatre multi-mega plex , get lost on the way back from buying a giant tub of popcorn doused in artificial butter going to the latest blockbuster that cost more money to make than Holland’s GDP.  It’s just something ingrained in the American male psyche.  I can’t help it.  Of course nothing exemplifies this more than our obsession with the most wonderful of god’s creations; women’s breasts.

You can blame it on evolution, society, or personal preference but it’s a fact of life.  Large breasts are wonderful, and if you look at a line up of my wife and past girlfriends a pattern emerges.  My wife often complains about the size of “the ladies”; they cause her back pain, she needs a back rub, blah blah blah.  She has even gone as far as to say she is getting a reduction after we are done having kids.  But like Jonah Hill says in Super Bad “That is like slapping God across the face for giving you a beautiful gift”.  Yeah we won’t be having that. 

So you can imagine my pure elation when I started to notice that the already wonderfully large boobs started to grow even more.  Yes gentlemen, if you didn’t already know, your lady’s boobs will grow to wonderfully awesome sizes, never thought possible before (without surgery).  I was beyond excited!   

But at the peak of my jubilation, proof that God truly hates me and all men robbed me of my greatest prize.  Yes, your partner’s boobs are huge, yes they look awesome, but NO YOU CAN’T TOUCH THEM.  They are so sensitive that they can not even be touched; let alone bounced, jiggled etc.  Oh the sweet irony!  It’s like running back a kickoff only to find out there was holding and it’s called back.

One Response to “Awesome Side Effect”

  1. Agreed totally on the “new gifts” that pregnancy brings to your wife. No touching is like having a new ferrari in the garage but having to ride your bike to work. We just had our first child in November. I have just started trying to blog about it. Other than the complete lack of sleep a new baby is the greatest thing in the world. Good luck.

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