The Big Ultrasound

Ever play pong?  Yeah, the original home video game that consists of a ball being bounced between two paddles.  That was my wife on the subject of whether or not to find out the sex of our baby during the ultrasound at 20 weeks.  First it was yes, then no, then I would find out and not tell her, then I would find out and decorate the babies room and pad lock it (?) so she couldn't find out, then no, then yes.  Back and forth, back and forth for weeks.  The entire time I knew she would have to know, so I just smiled and nodded until she finally landed on "Yes".

I have said from the minute I found out about the pregnancy that our baby was going to be a girl.  See, up until pretty recently I was a raging asshole to women in my life.  I made huge mistakes, acted very inappropriately and did not care too much about the ramifications of my actions.  In the process I hurt the feelings of women from my past who cared a lot about me and did a lot of emotional damage.  I knew there is no way that Karma wouldn't let all of that just go by without some sort of cosmic balancing.  And truth be told I owe a debt that can never be repaid.  So I see it as only fitting that I have a daughter for my first.  Chances are I will have all girls!

On the other hand my wife said it was a boy.  She "just had a feeling" and some dreams that convinced her.  I know, very scientific methods used by both of us.  Not to sound cliche, but despite whatever we thought we just hoped for a healthy baby.  I'd be happy with either sex and so would she.  My wife and I sat in a darkened room, watching a tv screen while the ultrasound tech took all of the measurements for our little one.  We got to see the baby's feet, hands, face (which looks like a skeleton) spine etc.  Finally, the tech said "So, do you want to know the sex now"  Yes!! The suspense was killing us both (and she knew this so I think she was messing with us a bit).

She rotated the ultrasound wand and an undiscernable grey blob appeared on the screen.  "See those three white dots?  Those are herlabia forming".  OH SHIT I AM GOING TO HAVE A DAUGHTER! And ewww, I don't want to hear about her labia.  My daughter doesn't have women parts and isn't going to date until she's 30.

My wife erupted in tears!  She had secretly been routing for a girl  and only claimed it was going to be a boy just so she would "win" either way.  I love my wife; she cracks me up!

So without further ado:  Here is my daughter!

Funny Baby T-shirts

It seems like the minute I found out I was going to be a dad, there has been a never ending shopping list of things we need to buy;  crib, stroller, car seat, bottles, jumpers, clothes, breast pumps, toys etc.  Needless to say I have spent a lot of time in stores looking at baby stuff.  If you're a new dad I am sure you feel my pain on this one.

The worst things are the cheesy shirts and bibs that are supposed to be funny but are just flat out lame.  I call them "Ahhhh" shirts.  They are made to make an aunt or grandma go "Ahhhh, isn't that cute" and that's it.  But I find no humor in the "Too Cute to Eat My Veggies" bib or the dated "Got Milk" or standard "Grandma Loves Me".  Yeah, they are cute on a baby, and they make you go "Ahhh" but I need a little more.

I admitedly have a twisted sense of humor.  I find the distrubing and messed up hysterical.  So when my friend turned me on to T-Shirt Hell.com a couple years back I was in heaven.  This site is full of sick, inappropriate and just plain wrong t-shirts.  If you're looking for a laugh or perhaps a punch in the face, this is the place to buy your shirts.  If political correctness is a 7 Series BMW, T-shirt Hell is a pair of roller skates with metal wheels from the 60's.  One of the awesome things about this site is they have a section just for baby and kid sized shirts: Baby T-Shirt Hell.com

No, these aren't the type of shirt you would put the kid in to go to church or over to the in-laws for Sunday dinner (unless your in-laws are way cooler than mine). But if you're looking to get a laugh from your buddies, or make a bad impression on someone you need to pick one of these up.  Look, you are supposed to stop telling nasty jokes and using bad words around your kid, so why not enjoy the couple of years where the kid can't catch on to what they are wearing and amuse your friends and piss off strangers?

My personal favorites are:

Kickin' Ass & Taking Naps

Daddy Drinks Because I Cry

And the one my wife hates the most. . .

All Mommy Wanted was a Back Rub

My wife vehemently claims that she will not allow our kid to wear any shirt of this sort. . . but mommy can't be everywhere can she?  So if you're like me and feel the need to revolt against the mass produced bland and boring clothes they want our wives to buy our kids, check out Baby T-Shirt Hell.com and participate in it's attempt to extend a middle finer to the world.

Awesome Side Effect

Although I deviate from the norm sometimes, for the most part I am an average American guy.  Like a lot of my fellow Americans I often adhere to the mantra that is "The bigger the better".  Give me a big ass gas guzzling truck that uses more fuel in a day than 20 tree huggers can save taking mass transit.  I'll take the 20 oz. porterhouse that could feed an entire African village. No room for my oversized fully loaded baked potato?  Put it on it's own plate.  I want to go to a 100 theatre multi-mega plex , get lost on the way back from buying a giant tub of popcorn doused in artificial butter going to the latest blockbuster that cost more money to make than Holland's GDP.  It's just something ingrained in the American male psyche.  I can't help it.  Of course nothing exemplifies this more than our obsession with the most wonderful of god's creations; women's breasts.

You can blame it on evolution, society, or personal preference but it's a fact of life.  Large breasts are wonderful, and if you look at a line up of my wife and past girlfriends a pattern emerges.  My wife often complains about the size of "the ladies"; they cause her back pain, she needs a back rub, blah blah blah.  She has even gone as far as to say she is getting a reduction after we are done having kids.  But like Jonah Hill says in Super Bad "That is like slapping God across the face for giving you a beautiful gift".  Yeah we won't be having that. 

So you can imagine my pure elation when I started to notice that the already wonderfully large boobs started to grow even more.  Yes gentlemen, if you didn't already know, your lady's boobs will grow to wonderfully awesome sizes, never thought possible before (without surgery).  I was beyond excited!   

But at the peak of my jubilation, proof that God truly hates me and all men robbed me of my greatest prize.  Yes, your partner's boobs are huge, yes they look awesome, but NO YOU CAN'T TOUCH THEM.  They are so sensitive that they can not even be touched; let alone bounced, jiggled etc.  Oh the sweet irony!  It's like running back a kickoff only to find out there was holding and it's called back.